2008/2009 The Office Fantasy Football League

...it is now

2009-05-25T17:30:00.000Z

The final day of the season and an assist from Steven Gerrard carries Alun Edwards' Radnorshire Tigers those crucial two points further ahead of RS T-Boy. Just as the portly lady begins her x-factor audition.

And that's it.

Apart from the ashamed collective silence as it becomes clear that you don't have to be thin and pretty with a wide white smile to be able to sing. But you do have to be thin and pretty with a wide white smile to be able to judge those who aren't thin and pretty with wide white smiles etc etc

Basically, there's no more time left for Rick Beecroft to push on to his second League Championship.

No more time for the T-Boys.

Indeed, having led the table since Week 14, sharing top spot only thrice - with Inter Milandrover [twice] and Radnorshire Tigers [once] - Mr Beecroft's team looked set to own the bragging rights of the Derby OFFL contingent. But a stunning last two months from Alun Edwards's Tigers enabled Mr Edwards to enjoy an OFFL Cup Final and this most close of League Victories.

The League Championship. Is Yours. Mr Edwards.

And while Rick Beecroft stands there, blinking vacantly, he can't quite form the words required to whole-heartedly congratulate the Dennis Taylor to his 1985 Steve Davis. Meanwhile, the rest of the OFFL Managers rush up to shake hands with the last minute winner of the most prized prize in fantasy football.

Well done Mr Edwards, well done.

Cue stylistic montage of season highlights played over a pompous operatic performance of Puccini.

And while that plays out, relegated to a ticker tape style scrolling information bar at the bottom of the screen we see that the Manager of the Week is Andy 'Having another beer on another indeterminate hotel balcony with the Mrs now let's post it up on You Tube' Straw. His Nuttingham Florist scored a playing-for-nothing 17 points. At the wrong end of the table, Gavin Ward managed to keep just above David Manttan's Two-Oh-Ten relegating him to a season in the sin bin next year. Perhaps.

Well, this has been marvellous. Do hang around for the free canapés and cheap wine we've laid on for you. Thanks for coming. And we'll see you next year, yeah?

Week 41: The Penultimate Week

2009-05-18T17:31:00.000Z

...and there we have the crux of the matter. Of the season.

As we enter the final week's worth of play the race for the League Championship is tied at the top.

Remarkable.

It's as if Our Most Gracious Chairman had designed it so.

Having lost the OFFL Cup Final to Manager of the Week Lionel Larking's Pompey Puss, who hammered home 21 points in the week they needed it most, Alun Edwards' Radnorshire Tigers now rest in First Place on Points per Pound difference knocking Rick 'First Place' Beecroft's RS T-Boys off his, um, First Place perch.

And it isn't just RS T-Boy and Radnorshire Tigers who fight for everything on the last day of the season. Three other teams have the potential to sprint for the line too... Current Champions BM Mingmongs could reclaim their title while it's still not over for Inter Milandrover and Olymping Macdrid.

And without actually needing to make it sound any more exciting than it really is, we here at Studmarks should just perhaps rest this edition of Studmarks to bathe in the exquisitely exciting anticipatory light that it has managed to generate itself over the past 41 weeks.

But no. We had to labour it for just two last paragraphs.

OFFL Cup FInal Result

2009-05-18T17:30:00.000Z

The OFFL Cup Final

Radnorshire Tigers 16

Alun Edwards

Pompey Puss 21

Lionel Larking

Where it counted on the day...

Radnorshire Tigers v Pompey Puss

GK E van der Sar MU 3 v 3 M Schwarzer FUL

FB P Chimbonda SUN 0 v 3 A Arbeloa LIV

FB J Lescott EVE 0 v 0 P Jagielka EVE

CB B Hangeland FUL 3 v 3 J Bosingwa CHE

MF M Taylor BOL 0 v 0 T Walcott ARS

ST F Torres LIV 0 v 2 D Drogba CHE

So, congratulations to the fluffy fella and commiserations to the stripy ones.

Lionel Larking lifts the OFFL Cup for the first time and takes the spoils back to his litter tray. Alun Edwards, meanwhile, can't believe his Tigers came so far only to fail and fall with the last tranquiliser dart in the hind legs.

And while Lionel can relax with a back paw in the air, licking his modified mid-table giblets, The Radnorshire Tigers' season isn't over yet. Oh no, there's an even grrrRREATer challenge awaiting...

Week 40: Radnorshire Rise

2009-05-11T17:30:00.000Z

Alun Edwards is Manager of the Week again after his Radnorshire Tigers scored 21 points, fanning the flames of speculation that hint toward a miraculous Double Winning Season. Indeed, as the Tigers climb into second place in the table, they begin the OFFL Cup Final against Pompey Puss who's manager, Lionel Larking, won last week's Manager of the Week certificate.

I know, it's crazy.

In fact, Alun Edwards tops the Manager of the Week Certificate Winning charts so far this season with a total of five this season. And if we haven't hammered the point home enough... it's the final!

Week 39

2009-05-04T17:30:00.000Z

The fight for second place is getting a little crowded up there while Beecroft's T-Boys enjoy another little surge away from the melee. And it's one of this year's OFFL cup finalists, Pompey Puss, pawing over this week's Manager of the Week certificate.

Nice.

Week 41 (Week beginning 11th May)
The OFFL Cup Final

Radnorshire Tigers
Alun Edwards
v
Pompey Puss
Lionel Larking

Radnorshire Tigers v Pompey Puss
GK - E van der Sar MU v M Schwarzer FUL
FB - P Chimbonda SUN v A Arbeloa LIV
FB - J Lescott EVE v P Jagielka EVE
CB - B Hangeland FUL v J Bosingwa CHE
MF - M Taylor BOL v T Walcott ARS
ST - F Torres LIV v D Drogba CHE

The Year of the Cat

With Jagielka out injured for the rest of the season and two Fulham defensive players possibly cancelling each other out it appears that the upper hand may be gloved with Radnorshire Tigers. However the smaller feline quadruped doesn't have the potential burden of a Sunderland defender.

Both teams have
CB N Vidic
MF S Gerrard
MF T Cahill
MF Geovanni
ST A Arshavin

Results out in 2 weeks.

Week 38: Low Roots, High Ambitions

2009-04-27T17:30:00.000Z

One supposes that the big news of the week could be, nay - *should* be, the battle between the pretender Inter Milandrover and Champions Elect RS T-Boy all the way up there at the top. After all, this seems to have ambushed us into thinking that we may, actually, have an exciting fight to the finish on our hands this season.

One could suppose equally that the big news of the week might have been about the high scoring 35 points picked up by Mannschester United, earning all-round nice bloke Dan 'the Man' Manns the Manager of the Week certificate.

We could possibly have been cooing over the fact that Alun Edwards' Radnorshire Tigers have leapt into a very strong third place worrying the League into discreetly taking out their strategy notepads in order to scribble down the newly circulating rumours that a Double could be ON.

But the story that we're telling today is one of low roots and high ambition [apart from the high ambition bit]. In a world where big money and high scoring grabs all the headlines; one man, an honest man, wanting a better life for his family [maybe not 'honest'], downtrodden for the most part, he now rises like a Phoenix from the Flames of Failure...

...Yes. Gavin Ward's Metatarsenal hit 17 points this week and climb off the bottom of the league and above a somewhat alarmed David Manttan who now, incidentally, has to fly back from the depths of southern Africa to reorganize his team into earning back some desperately needed dignity. Gavin's pairing of Ronaldo and Torres seemed to have done most of the leg work for him this week though his West Brom, Stoke and Hull defenders haven't really been living up to expectations this season. Well, actually they HAVE been living up to most people's expectations this season but just not Gavin's it seems. Congratulations Gavin. A mere 208 points behind the leaders. It is indeed a marathon and not, as I think we mentioned before, a sprint.

You're all very patient.

--

New Loopy Album out soon. You simply must buy it [or at least some of the eight tracks] to make this poor underachieving indie-pop band look good on iTunes. Guaranteed catchy, cheap and verging on the exclusive - well, put it this way... your real mates probably won't have a copy.

Week 37: Still tied at the top

2009-04-20T17:30:00.000Z

Rob Ivison begins to claw back the 54 point lead that his Charlie's Angels have generously given the two current leaders by winning this week's Manager of the Week certificate. He begins his victory run-in by scoring 13 points. And Khumbula Dube's Dube Stars FC climb highest, two places. That's all.

That's all.

PS
Has Gavin Given In? [say that quickly, it's most pleasing].

Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In? Has Gavin Given In?

Week 36: OFFL Cup Semi-final RESULTS

2009-04-12T17:30:00.000Z

Livercoolio's 21 point haul has meant Russ Bielby can rightfully claim his second Manager of the Week certificate. And as he pushes his band of merry merrymakers into, well, the same position they were in last week, we watch, bemused, as Inter Milandrover leapfrogs BM Mingmongs into joint 1st place, leaving the manager wholeheartedly regretting the decision to buy low-scoring Agbonlahor in place of high-scoring Arshavin. The race is wide open again.

Rick Beecroft's season seems to be unravelling as not only does he have to share top spot in the league but his dream of Doing The Double is finally over. Indeed this week has witnessed the return of the magical romance that sloshes around inside the The Cup [thanks to an unusually low score for RS T-Boys against the equally unusually high-scoring Pompey Puss]. Abeerden, however, attempted to get through to the next round by scoring less minus points than the opposition. Alas, the plan has faltered thanks to Alun Edwards steering his Radnorshire Tigers to a largely positive 17 points.

Now, everybody look at Campbellwin. Everyone stare at the manager... eek out the humility.

Minus seven points. Count 'em backwards. Minus seven.

OFFL Cup

Semi-finals, Results

Pompey Puss 15 v 0 RS T-Boy

Abeerden -2 v 17 Radnorshire Tigers

The Final...

Radnorshire Tigers v Pompey Puss

Week 35: OFFL Cup Semi-Finals

2009-04-06T17:30:00.000Z

Ladies and Gentlemen. It's the OFFL Cup Semi Final Week.

Recent poor form throws some doubt on RS T-Boy's ability to carry a high-flying league position through to a Double-grasping OFFL Cup Final but the recent Adebayor transfer might just be enough. Meanwhile, the last [and only] manager to ever Do The Double, Steve Tierney, has to stop an in-form Alun Edwards and his Tigers before he can even start to think about defending that particular uniquity.

Manager of the Week this week is a fine and fabulous, purring like a Puma, Minty Colquhoun who steered her Upmintster United to a whopping 19 points. And that was without the help of Darren Bent.

Unsurprisingly.

OFFL Cup
Semi-Finals
Being played in Week 35 [w/c 6th April]

Pompey Puss v RS T-Boy
Abeerden v Radnorshire Tigers

Week 32: OFFL Cup Semi Final Draw

2009-03-23T17:30:00.000Z

Manager Alun Edwards adds another Manager of the Week certificate to the one he [should've] got last week, albeit after a recount. He joins Malcolm 'Wishes He Was In The Middle' Pratt who also notched up a large 20 point haul, thanks mainly, perhaps, to Steven Gerrard's personal 11 point harvest.

Meanwhile, the boy Beecroft spits and stumbles like a red-nosed Scottish manager with a knighthood as his chart-topping T-Boys score a magnificent -2. Which briefly allows BM Mingmongs a sniff of his tail before bolting into the woods with a quick 'come hither' look over his haunches.

Indeed, the current champions had better extractus digitus pronto if they're going to make up the remaining 20 point gap and retain the title.

OFFL Cup
Semi-Finals
to be played in Week 35 [w/c 6th April]

Pompey Puss v RS T-Boy
Abeerden v Radnorshire Tigers

That's Lionel v Rick, Steve v Alun as it happens.

Semi-finaltastic.

Week 32:

2009-03-18T18:30:00.000Z

Addendum: Last Week, there should have been a Joint Manager of the Week. Alun Edwards also scored 14 points. The funeral of the Umpa Lumpa responsible takes place next Wednesday. Closed Casket.

Week 31: OFFL Cup Results

2009-03-16T17:30:00.000Z

As the dismal fiscal Mistral of the current climate zephyrs its way over and around the OFFLs Administrative Provençal hills, we ask ourselves if there is anything, absolutely anything, we can do to cheer ourselves up?

And all we can hear is that bloody wind whistling through the silence as if Nature herself is taunting us.

So while the Chairman looks to sell up and move OFFL HQ to premises a little more 'bijou' we turn to the warmth of our security blanket that is the OFFL and begin our collective thumbsucking.

OFFL Cup
Results

RS T-Boy 7 v 3 Ant & Bex
Nuttingham Florist 0 v 1 Abeerden
Radnorshire Tigers 12 v 1 Dube Stars FC
Pompey Puss 5 v 4 Inter Milandrover

In other words...

Rick Beecroft 7 v 3 Ant Reeves
Andy Straw 0 v 1 Steve Tierney
Alun Edwards 12 v 1 Khumbula Dube
Lionel Larking 5 v 4 Smasher

This round is a prime example of how important the Draw for the OFFL Cup actually is.

Steve Tierney scrapes past Mr Straw with a diabolical point while the Pompey Puss got the cream against the Milandrover.

At this rate the Double is In The Bag for Mr Beecroft, surely. All due respect [i.e. none] to Tierney and Edwards obviously.

Manager of the Week is Jordan United's Grant Larking, again so soon, with a mediocre 14 points. But what's the point of trying to let him know he's won the Manager of the Week Certificate when we're actually speaking to him from HIS SPAM FOLDER.

Week 30: RS T-Boy runs away

2009-03-09T17:30:00.000Z

As Dan Manns picks up the Manager of the Week certificate for being, quite lampard frankly, so much better than the rest of you [what with scoring 21 points for his Mannschester Rovers], Rick Beecroft nets himself enough points to put him 31 points ahead of second place - currently occupied by current champions BM Mingmongs.

Surely this has to be the most one-sided OFFL in years. Indeed, former Chelsea boss, Jose Mourinho launched a shock attack on the OFFL by insisting that it is embarrassing that RS T-Boy is running away with the League Title.

Mourinho, whose Inter Milan side don't face RS T-Boy in in Wednesday's crunch Champions League second leg at Old Trafford, is stunned at how easy it has been for Sir Richard Beecroft's men in the league.

And, in a trademark show of modesty, he went on to claim that it would be much different if he was still managing in the OFFL.

And at that point he was wheeled away by men in white coats while the gathering crowd turned their eyes at yours truly for clearly plagiarising someone else's feeble copy to palm it off as yet another Studmarks original.

If a barrel appears in barren times. Scrape it.

Week 29

2009-03-02T17:30:00.000Z

Jordan Utd unwittingly wins the Manager of Week certificate which will probably come as a complete surprise what with Studmarks making its way directly into Grant Larking's spam folder, stuttering a "...but...!" on its way past. Probably. 13 points.

Other news: Olymping Macdrid's manager, and Rafa Benitez almostalookalike, Craig McHugh has made his last two transfers of the season and now sits on his hands in hope, trying not to fidget nor to complete the Benitez illusion by losing his rag at the managers above him.

Actually, he doesn't look anything like the Spaniard but you can tell what we were grasping at...

And Week 31 will be giving us our next round of results for the OFFL Cup but Who's Zoomin' Who?

OFFL Cup

RS T-Boy v Ant & Bex
Nuttingham Florist v Abeerden
Radnorshire Tigers v Dube Stars FC
Pompey Puss v Inter Milandrover

In other words...

Rick Beecroft v Ant Reeves
Andy Straw v Steve Tierney
Alun Edwards v Khumbula Dube
Lionel Larking v Smasher

The prize is beyond most OFFL managers' wildest dreams.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0_ZJoa8VBk

Week 28: OFFL Cup Results

2009-02-23T17:30:00.000Z

The Chairman has been enjoying certain aspects of this so called Credit Crunch. Not only has it allowed him to guiltlessly use those two words to explain his own stubbornly innate stinginess but it has also allowed him to squeeze in a few self-serving adverts amongst our weekly words of wisdom. So, 'Why Not Buy A Loopy track from iTunes'

http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?id=275073567&s=143444

Yes, Studmarks has finally given in to advertising. Indeed, if you 'Buy a Loopy track from iTunes You'll Be Happier Than If You Didn't'.

Dan Manns has had a stonkingly good week as he watches his Mannschester United notch up 18 points, winning him the much coveted Manager of the Week certificate. Congratulations Dan. You've moved up a place in the table too.

Not that the air is heavy with the stench of desperation but you could always 'gift' a Loopy track to someone you love and respect and make their lives happier too. All for just 79p. 'Friday in Firenze' is quite nice. It's got a cello on it.

http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?i=275074116&id=275073567&s=143444

Meanwhile Rick Beecroft's RS T-Boy's reign at the top is reinforced as they pull away from the current champions BM Mingmongs in second.

But.

Let's see how they got on in ...

OFFL Cup

Straw Bucharest 2 v 7 Pompey Puss
Campbellwin 10 v 12 Abeerden
Woolyback Town AFC 11 v 12 RS T-Boy
Nuttingham Florist 11 v 8 Rayner Midriff
Inter Milandrover 11 v 9 Tat Mucker
Ant & Bex 12 v 9 Two Owls
Upmintster United 7 v 9 Dube Stars FC
Radnorshire Tigers 15 v 11 BM Mingmongs

Father beats son; an Ant beats Two Owls; last two ladies lose out; and, the shock of the round, current league champions BM Mingmongs have been knocked out! Thanks to a jolly good hiding from Radnorshire tigers.

So, congratulations to Lionel Larking, Steve Tierney, Rick Beecroft, Andy Straw, Smasher, Ant Reeves, Khumbula Dube and Alun Edwards.

Now, wouldn't it be a nice gesture to buy your defeated opponent a Loopy track from the iTunes music store? Wouldn't it? Yes, of course it would. Click here to do just that...

http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?i=275074116&id=275073567&s=143444

Next round will be in Week 31. Ish.

Probably.

Happy Birthday to Mr Tierney Snr for this week. May it snow for you. Again. Maybe someone will buy you a new Loopy track from the iTunes music store as a present. If they click on the following link here they might just be able to exactly that.

http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?i=275074116&id=275073567&s=143444

Week 27

2009-02-16T17:30:00.000Z

Managers of the Week are Hilary Straw, Minty Colquhoun and Khumbula Dube for whom the score of 6 points was commonplace. Bit of a confidence booster then for this coming week's OFFL Cup.

It's for a great prize by the way. Courtesy of Chris Tierney.

OFFL Cup

--------

Results taken from Wk 28

Straw Bucharest v Pompey Puss

Campbellwin v Abeerden

Woolyback Town AFC v RS T-Boy

Nuttingham Florist v Rayner Midriff

Inter Milandrover v Tat Mucker

Ant & Bex v Two Owls

Upmintster United v Dube Stars FC

Radnorshire Tigers v BM Mingmongs

Week 26: Good Manager Bad Manager

2009-02-09T17:30:00.000Z

With the recent shock dismissal of that internationally renowned 'big' fella from the Premiership management of the Blues, it seems that all managers are becoming a little twitchy about their own survival. Indeed, since the outrageous sacking of Tony Adams by Portsmouth last weekend the world hasn't quite looked the same.

Take, for example, this week's Manager of the Week. Poof of the North's Mark Norman has, in a strange, strange twist of OFFL fate, scored a week-topping 24pts. A score that is a whole 6pts greater than the next highest weekly score. Does this mean his entire season of underperforming is going to be ignored in favour of this one-off miracle or is someone like the high-flying Smasher going to be Scolaried out of a job for just not quite making a decent enough challenge in the latter stages of the season? None of it quite makes sense. And twitchy everyone shall remain.

What does make sense is that Week 28 will be the next round of the OFFL Cup. And have we mentioned the prize for this year's winners? It's really rather desirable. Search for 'OFFL Cup Prize' on You Tube.

OFFL Cup

--------

Results taken from Wk 28

Straw Bucharest v Pompey Puss

Campbellwin v Abeerden

Woolyback Town AFC v RS T-Boy

Nuttingham Florist v Rayner Midriff

Inter Milandrover v Tat Mucker

Ant & Bex v Two Owls

Upmintster United v Dube Stars FC

Radnorshire Tigers v BM Mingmongs

Week 25: Premier League Transfer Window Shuts

2009-02-02T17:30:00.000Z

A massive week's score of 39 points lands Neil Jukes the Manager of the Week certificate. His team, Decimated Left Peg, climb into fourth spot.

Meanwhile, as the Premiership transfer window slams shut we take a look to see how many of our managers are taking the opportunity to scoop up the bargains. Players who have switched Premiership clubs, don't forget, retain their original club's status for OFFL selection requirements. I.e. Robbie Keane, now of Tottenham, started the season as a Liverpool player and will remain so till the end [of the season].

Well, we wouldn't want an Administrative Nightmare to unfold would we? As it is, certain Wildcat Strike literature was found tucked under a dungaree pocket-sized jar of orange hair gel in one Umpa Lumpa locker.

Troubled times indeed.

Week 24: Low Scoring Week and Not the Heroes of '66

2009-01-26T17:30:00.000Z

It seems that the Premier League has finally gone fantasy mad. OFFL officials thought it bad enough to have one A Ramsay grazing his knees on the top flight's hallowed turf but now there is a Pele. And we're not referring to P Pele of West Brom. No, we're talking about Pele. Portsmouth's new Midfielder.

What next we wonder? Maradonna looking for a house on the outskirts of Hull? Or was that J Cruyff we saw in that Wigan estate agents?

Actually it was neither. We were just trying to find an interesting opening to what would have been another dull and uninteresting Studmarks. Now on to the dull and uninteresting bits...

Managers of the Week are, thanks to a particularly low scoring week, Russ Bielby of Livercoolio, Lionel Larking of Pompey Puss and Poof of the North, Mark Norman, all of whom score an enormous 5 points.

All eyes, wincing beneath concerned and screwed-up eyebrows, are still on Metatarsenal's believably poor season. There, at the bottom of the league. And, amazingly, still in the cup. Gavin?

Week 23

2009-01-19T17:30:00.000Z

Manager of the Week, notching up 17 points, is Ant Reeves. His Ant & Bex secure Fourth Place even more surely and starts to chip away gently at the lead of those above.

In the meantime, some managers may have noticed the matrix warp for a few seconds at some point on Thursday last. Indeed the Force was disturbed when the machine that drives the entire OFFL operation blew up horribly, causing irreversible damage. Luckily, the Umpa Lumpa tasked with handwriting all the documents as a back-up had just finished his week's copying, so we're still up and running. Somewhat. Somehow.

Week 22: Round One RESULTS

2009-01-12T17:30:00.000Z

Manager of the Week is our leader Rick Beecroft whose RS T-Boy notched up a massive 26 points pushing them 19 points away from second place BM Mingmongs.

But what of their progress in the cup?

OFFL Cup
Round One, Results

Poof of the North 31 v 35 Two Owls
Mannschester Rovers 30 v 37 Rayner Midriff
Metatarsenal 7 v 8 Tat Mucker
Dube Stars FC 28 v 20 Giving It Some Thought
Upmintster United 32 v 12 Two-Oh-Ten
BM Mingmongs 59 v 52 Decimated Left Peg
Straw Bucharest 42 v 29 Jordan Utd
Windmill United 16 v 42 Abeerden
Olymping Macdrid 51 v 77 RS T-Boy
Woolyback Town AFC 41 v 29 Mal
Charlie's Angels 25 v 49 Inter Milandrover
Pompey Puss 45 v 30 Book My Face
Ant & Bex 57 v 51 Livercoolio FC

Which means you are through if you are amongst the following managers...

Andy Straw
Alun Edwards
Campbell Tierney
Chris Brown
Edgar Rayner
Mat Tucker
Khumbula Dube
Minty Colquhoun
Neil McConaghy
Hilary Straw
Steve Tierney
Rick Beecroft
Guy Harewood
Smasher
Lionel Larking
Ant Reeves

Congratulations.

You're a step closer to THE PRIZE!

* For some reason there have been some adjustments to some players scores. For somewhy. The OFFL can't explain this because they don't know why.

Week 21: Final Leg of the First Round of the OFFL Cup

2009-01-05T17:30:00.000Z

Manager of the Week is BM Mingmongs chief, Neil McConaghy. His team scored 9 points for the week bringing his total of Manager of the Week Certificates to, well, two.

Surely this makes him favourite to beat his opponent in BM Mingmong's OFFL Cup fixture? One more week of scores to go!

OFFL Cup

Results after Weeks 20 and 21.

Poof of the North 13 v 24 Two Owls

Mannschester Rovers 28 v 19 Rayner Midriff

Metatarsenal 9 v 8 Tat Mucker

Dube Stars FC 17 v 10 Giving It Some Thought

Upmintster United 25 v 4 Two-Oh-Ten

BM Mingmongs 44 v 41 Decimated Left Peg

Straw Bucharest 39 v 25 Jordan Utd

Windmill United 16 v 33 Abeerden

Olymping Macdrid 39 v 51 RS T-Boy

Woolyback Town AFC 30 v 23 Mal

Charlie's Angels 22 v 41 Inter Milandrover

Pompey Puss 34 v 18 Book My Face

Ant & Bex 44 v 44 Livercoolio FC

And forget ye not, this is what it's all for....

Week 20: Happy Christmas and Happy New Year

2008-12-29T17:30:00.000Z

After weeks of having their lead chipped away, RS T-Boy reassert themselves with a Manager of the Week certificate winning performance for Rick Beecroft of 43 points. Of course, this means the T-Boys nudge ahead of their opponents in their OFFL Cup fixture against an high scoring Olymping Macdrid.

OFFL Cup

With two more weeks of scores to go, this is how the cup fixtures are shaping up.

Weeks 20, 21 and 22

Poof of the North 10 v 21 Two Owls
Mannschester Rovers 28 v 16 Rayner Midriff
Metatarsenal 9 v 8 Tat Mucker
Dube Stars FC 12 v 7 Giving It Some Thought
Upmintster United 25 v 4 Two-Oh-Ten
BM Mingmongs 35 v 38 Decimated Left Peg
Straw Bucharest 33 v 25 Jordan Utd
Windmill United 16 v 30 Abeerden
Olymping Macdrid 36 v 43 RS T-Boy
Woolyback Town AFC 25 v 20 Mal
Charlie's Angels 16 v 38 Inter Milandrover
Pompey Puss 31 v 15 Book My Face
Ant & Bex 39 v 41 Livercoolio FC

Radnorshire Tigers, Campbellwin, Nuttingham Florist all received a bye for this round.

Happy New Year folks.

Week 19: The Cup Overfloweth

2008-12-21T17:30:00.000Z

Manager of the Week this week is the lovely Hilary Straw for leading her Straw Bucharest to 9 points. 12 more than Gavin Ward's Metatarsenal. Not that we should point that out at all. But also, it may be of interest to note that everyone, bar Gavin Ward and Minty Colquhoun, made up ground on our current League Leaders.

Nice.

Happy Christmas. And Good Luck in the OFFL Cup.

OFFL Cup

--------

Three teams are randomly given a bye.

These lucky teams have been randomly chosen from the available 29 teams. They are:

Campbellwin

Radnorshire Tigers

Nuttingham Florist

The fixtures for the first round are...

Poof of the North v Two Owls

Mannschester Rovers v Rayner Midriff

Metatarsenal v Tat Mucker

Dube Stars FC v Giving It Some Thought

Upmintster United v Two-Oh-Ten

BM Mingmongs v Decimated Left Peg

Straw Bucharest v Jordan Utd

Windmill United v Abeerden

Olymping Macdrid v RS T-Boy

Woolyback Town AFC v Mal

Charlie's Angels v Inter Milandrover

Pompey Puss v Book My Face

Ant & Bex v Livercoolio FC

In other words...

Mark Norman v Chris Brown

Dan Manns v Edgar Rayner

Gavin Ward v Mat Tucker

Khumbula Dube v Adrian Bradley

Minty Colquhoun v David Manttan

Neil McConaghy v Neil Jukes

Hilary Straw v Grant Larking

Chris Walsh v Steve Tierney

Craig McHugh v Rick Beecroft

Guy Harewood v Malcolm Pratt

Rob Ivison v Smasher

Lionel Larking v Ashley Keeler

Ant Reeves v Russ Bielby

Week 18: By the bye

2008-12-15T17:30:00.000Z

Managers of the Week this week are Ant Reeves and Dan Manns for respectively steering Ant & Bex and Mannschester Rovers to a haul of 16 points each.

Which isn't bad.

Especially as it's the second time that Ant Reeves has claimed the certificate, betraying his stealthy escalation toward the top prize wethinks.

Ant & Bex climb highest this week, along too with Andy Straw's Nuttingham Florist who also barge up four places.

OFFL Cup

And, due to his highest climber status, it is Mr Straw who will be picking, out of an electronic hat, the three teams that will be receiving a bye for this year's OFFL Cup.

Mr Straw...? [Drum roll, please]

Week 17: Rayner's Leap of Faith

2008-12-08T17:30:00.000Z

There is a Manager amongst you who doesn't believe in all this transferring nonsense. He thinks that the OFFL test should be one that lasts an entire season without tinkering with the initial selection at all. This manager happens to be in Twentieth place with little to no chance of rising much in the forthcoming weeks. His team includes a goalkeeper currently enjoying a total of minus 9 points, a full back on minus 3 and a midfielder whose managed about three minutes playing time all season.

Experts predict an early OFFL Cup exit.

In fact, the OFFL Rumour Mill has churned out a possible explanation for such lunacy: it's a really poor excuse to justify a hands-off approach, enabling the Manager to jet off to places like China so he can make a point of not taking the opportunity to pick up really cheap 64GB flash memory USB keys for his mates.

Indeed, THAT sort of manager will never succeed.

Managers of the Week are Craig McHugh and Ant Reeves of Olymping Macdrid and Ant & Bex respectively. They each steered their charges to a large weekly score of 25 points apiece. RS T-Boy is joined at the top of the table on points by Inter Milandrover who take their season's spasm of top spots too early again this year.

The OFFL Cup will be taking place over Weeks 20, 21 and 22. So get your transfers in. Or, you should be lacking one, your team indeed.

Thank you.

Week 16: Don't Stare at the Tierney

2008-12-01T17:30:00.000Z

No. Don't.

It's cruel.

Do not stare at Abeerden's latest League position. It's rude don't you know.

Just walk on past.

As twelve of you Managers already have in fact.

Charlie's Angels have just tapped RS T-Boy on the shoulder to remind them of their equality in points while simultaneously watching Inter Milandrover move up on the leaders by 4 points also. Hilary Straw's Straw Bucharest made up ground on the top two too and settles in fifth place behind Upmintster United. Another minus score for Mr Ward's Metatarsenal sees them bobble about in twenty-sixth.

Alun Edwards steers his Radnorshire Tigers to a modest 13 points this week and still makes off with the Manager of the Week certificate. Meanwhile, nobody comments on what Lionel Larking's team selection spells out. Which is probably a good thing seeing as it's a bit wrong anyway.

Does anybody actually read any of this tosh anyway?

http://offl.littlesmasher.com

Start preparing yourselves for the OFFL Cup. Coming soon. New Managers welcome. Preferably another 3. That would be administratively useful.

Week 15: League Average Reaches 100!

2008-11-24T17:30:00.000Z

Old age can be a mournfully painful aspect of life for a Manager's loved ones to cope with. The Manager's memories can not only distort but sometimes also completely disappear. Accuracy of judgements and opinions veer into the ridiculous only to be replaced by an unswervingly surging momentum of cantankerous outrage.

Take ageing skinhead Andy 'I Used to Run A Fantasy League Myself' Straw. Having hankered after the canter into cantankerousness himself he seems to have completed the metamorphosis into an ageing skin-and-boned Andy 'I Can't Remember The Meaning of Deadlines and Quite Frankly I Don't Very Much Care For Them' Straw.

It's a place we're all doomed to be heading towards, I'm sure you'll agree.

Manager of the Week is the youthful and spritely Smasher who, whilst not wanting to blow his own trumpet, does like to blow his own transfer quota. His Inter 'Yes We Got the Rather Feeble Team Name Gag Over Ten Years Ago' Milandrover scored 21 points to climb just one place to remain a member of the Big Four.

And finally, it's always nice to see a manager express his/her joy at being temporarily top of the table. Current League Leader, RS T-Boy's Rick Beecroft, is the latest exponent of the natural high that the League Leadership bestows. Just before it gets cruelly wrestled away from him next week. Perhaps.

[Don't stare at Mr Manttan's score this week. It's rude. Move along.]

Thanks to Craig McHugh for sending in the picture of Carlos Tevez and his Mum. Carlos' mum, not Craig's.

Weeks 12, 13 and 14

2008-11-17T15:26:00.000Z

Managers of the Weeks....

Week 12: Campbell Tierney, 35 points for Campbellwin
Week 13: Craig McHugh, 20 points for Olymping Macdrid
Week 14: Rick Beecroft and Neil McConaghy, 21 points each for RS T-Boy and BM Mingmongs respectively.

And the lead has changed three times in as many weeks. Charlie's Angels, Upmintster United and now RS-T-Boy all topped the league in this three week festival of fantasy footballing fun.

Tinkety-tonk.

Week 11: A Freak Week for 'knapp Man and Robinho

2008-10-27T17:30:00.000Z

A freak week from Robinho sees the Brazilian striker net 14 points all on his own creating a wooden cart type vehicle seemingly designed to transport a group of musicians all playing the "Robinho Symphony".

All this seems to have triggered the 'herding instinct' in OFFL Managers. Indeed two managers have already been unable to resist this informational social influence and executed transfers aimed at bringing the player into their teams [see email] and the OFFL HQ are preparing themselves for further knee-jerk transfer requests.

Particularly from Charlie's Angels.

Manager of the Week is Smasher who's 22 point haul can be solely attributed to a certain Brazilian striker enjoying a freak week. Can’t remember his name.

Another instant trend to watch out for is the mass transferring out of Portsmouth players based on the belief that Harry Redknapp's weekend departure will instantly cause Pompey's Premier League demise.

Now who would be paranoid enough to react to both those big news stories?

Week 09 & 10: Chairman's Shares Portfolio Plummets

2008-10-20T17:30:00.000Z

It's not easy for Our Most Gracious Chairman. As the global banking crisis deepens, His bulging share portfolio is disintegrating in front of his very [bulging] eyes. Particularly, his investments in the Japanese financial markets. Indeed, those Tokyo-based banks are in all sorts of trouble.

The Origami Bank, for example, has folded but the Bank of the Ninja is still in the black. Sumo Financial has gone belly up and, according to reports, the Governor of the Bank of Karate is for the chop. And while analysts are reporting that something fishy is going on at the Sushi Bank, staff are worried that they may get a raw deal.

And, while we, here at Studmarks, make the most of these appalling gags that just arrived in a joke spam-junk [read that carefully] email to cover up our lack of inspiration this week..., [clears throat] Bonsai Bank are having to cut some of its branches while the Bank of the Samurai are just about surviving following sharp cuts. Shares in the Kamikaze Bank are still nose-diving.

I thank you.

Manager of the Week is Andy '3st 10oz' Straw with a much heavier 17 points to add to his total. This pushes his Nutts Florist up. Into third.

And Ashley Keeler finally produces the team he picked back in August. According to the highly disorganised manager it had apparently got jammed in a folder somewhere between hotmail and googlemail.

Hmmm.

We also welcome Messrs Walsh and Dube to the League. As you can see from their pictures here, they're both a couple of ming mongs. And one of them is illiterate to bot.

[Do you see what we did there?]

And as it was our current Champion, Neil McConaghy's, birthday this week here's a freebie for all of us to listen to in celebration for him...

[AND it's for cheridee great mate...]

http://www.archive.org/download/200810LFL-Philippines1/200810LFL-Philippines1.mp3

and

http://www.archive.org/download/LittleSmasher20081005/200810LFL-Philippines2.mp3

Week 08: Stretching Tierney

2008-10-06T17:30:00.000Z

Manager of the Week is Alun Edwards whose Radnorshire Tigers pummelled home a massive 23 points.

Meanwhile, Abeerden are stretching their lead, and their luck with yet more transfers. Possibly forgetting that we're still only one drinkstop along this long arduous marathon route.

Interestingly, Our Most Gracious Chairman prepares for his scouting trip to Africa where he shall be screwing in light bulbs later this month. While he isn't sure he won't be returning home to a country poorer than the one he returns from, he at least can be certain that the sound of rustling papers and the scratching of pencils will greet him as more potential managers threaten to get their teams in before the start of the OFFL Cup.

Ah yes. The OFFL Cup.

There's a prize you know.

Which can be drooled over here...

Week 07

2008-09-29T17:30:00.000Z

Manager of the Week is Minty 'Ka-Hoon' Colquhoun. Indeed her team notched up a massive 22 points thanks, in main, to her robust defence and no thanks whatsoever to her favourite player for the last three years, Darren Bent, whom she won't replace however many times he appears on the bench. Unpmintster climbs eight places.

A remarkable David Manttan plummets a remarkable ten places to third from a remarkable bottom after losing, remarkably, four points from Two-Oh-Ten's total. And Gavin Ward finally scores more than a point in a week. But still lies last.

In the meantime, with the marathon well under way, the Umpa Lumpa's are getting into the swing of things. Last season's mistakes, punished by regular beatings, have so far not been repeated. Sadly.

Week 06

2008-09-22T17:30:00.000Z

Manager of the Week is Lionel Larking who scores 14 points for his Pompey Pussies. Which is nice. Meanwhile Gavin Ward's Metatarsenal's overwhelming consistency means that for the third week running they pick up one point.

Watch out for Ant & Bex macheteing their way up the table without a care in the world. It's obviously been rocking the table enough to wobble Steve Tierney's Abeerden off the top. Our new leaders, Charlie's Angels, are led themselves by the transfer crazy Rob Ivison.

Can he keep it up?

According to his wife, Philippa, not for the duration.

Apparently.

So the rumour goes.

Hilary Hilarious Straw. Minus 4. Ahem.

Teams are still being submitted.

Week 04 & 05

2008-09-15T17:30:00.000Z

While 'England Disunited' have miraculously morphed into World Beaters we, here in the OFFL, have entered the part of the season that always seems to panic managers into executing knee-jerk transfers, transfers which throw an intriguing light on the messy machinations of those managers' minds.

Take Charlie's Angels' very own Rob Ivison for example. Ironic to think that his family name is an anagram of Vision when he, himself, clearly shows none whatsoever. Half his transfer quota is spent already.

Though having said that, his short-term swapping madness has prematurely thrust his Charlie's into second place in the league. Slipstreaming the Tierney.

Neil Jukes's 'Manager of the Week Certificate' winning score of 19 points has propelled his Decimated Left Peg into joint third. Meanwhile, Gavin Ward's dismal Metatarsenal are already vying for the wooden spoon.

This of course would allow him to concentrate on the Cup in a few weeks time.

Meanwhile, Ant & Bex and Upmintster United both climb six places in the table while others are more considerate in their paced ascent to the top.

Current Champions, Neil McConaghy's BM Mingmongs, drop four places.

Snigger ye not.

Well, not just yet.

Team submissions keep on coming.

Week 3: My Back Hurts

2008-09-01T17:30:00.000Z

Manager of the Week this week is Andy Straw who steered his Nuttingham Florist to a large 18 points. Andy is on holiday in Australia at the moment but he regularly interrupts his trip to check on how his dearly beloved Nuttingham Florist is doing in the OFFL.

Shame to ruin such a holiday.

Meanwhile, more teams are joining in on the fun/desperation, so if you're reading this and you haven't got a team in yet then don't worry, there's still time. Either that or 'Don't worry, I'll delete you off this mailing list in due course'.

Bunch of forgiving little smashers.

By the way, did anyone see Peter Crouch poke fun at Deco when Portsmouth and Chelsea played the other day? I know what you're thinking... How could anyone stoop so low......

Oh yes, the quality of Studmarks has been unnervingly unswerving over the last 13 years.

Some of you still haven't realised that a joke has just sprinted by.

Week 2

2008-08-24T17:30:00.000Z

Manager of the Week this week is Campbell Tierney. His imaginatively titled Campbellwin notched up 12 points to follow in his father's footsteps by receiving the Manager of the Week certificate [which doesn't exist].

Let Me Be Your Fantasy

2008-08-18T17:30:00.000Z

It's been a tough old year for the tough old Chairman. No sooner had the last of the morphine headaches finally died away then the OFFL crowds started relentlessly blood-baying for a new season of the legendary Office Fantasy Football League.

Tightly Pursed Lips

So, with three grapes and a disc lighter, our Chairman skips forward rabbit-punching the near distance, dodging imaginary swipes at his own ventripotent torso, hissing out the words "come on then, come on, if you think you're hard enough" through tightly pursed lips before quickly disappearing into his padded cell for a short snooze before his pre-teatime massage.

Worry not: Umpa Lumpas have been recruited, text templates have been edited, internet blogs spring-cleaned and doctors' notes filed away for potential insurance difficulties later on.

Pants Off

The marathon begins again. For it is a marathon. And not a sprint. So try not to panic your pants off when the first day of the season goes horribly, horribly wrong [ahem, Rob, cough, splutter, Ivison].

Licking

Yet another fantastic OFFL Cup Winning Prize is up for grabs in the fiercely competitive OFFL Cup competition and this year we have our own Studmarks annual entitled "Studs". Donated by the very generous Chris Tierney of Edinburgh, the hardback book is modelled and You Tubed by the hands of Chris himself. Enjoy and start licking those lips in anticipation...

The rules remain the same as last year. As does the budget. And your team can start scoring as soon as you get it in. It's as simple as that. We already have an excellent crop of teams whose managers gambled on submitting a line up before the Premiership kicked off. Some of the managers are already regretting their promptness. Already making a transfer, for example, is manager Rob Ivison. He can't stop himself from fiddling with his Charlie's Angels, which makes a change from not being able to stop himself from fiddling with his Angel's Charlies.

*B'dum tish* [a-hye thank yoo]

Anyway, there you have it. How quickly do you get your team in? Do you watch for a week or two knowing that it is a marathon and not a sprint? And then crash on in with the in-form team of the moment? It's a toughie. And a tad frustrating. A bit like that Olympic pursuit cycling when they spend half the race trying to stand still, wobbling, behind the person in front before surging ahead with a powerful finish.

It's enough to drive the Chairman back into the warm, safe, pain-ridding bosom of the buxom Mrs Morphine.

Sigh.

http://smash.loopy.co.uk/offl/content_files/SelectYourTeam.xls

Manager of the Week: Steve Tierney, Abeerden, 14 points.

It Can Get A Little Dirty

2008-08-17T20:48:00.000Z

Chairman Denies New OFFL League Season Rumour

2008-08-11T22:35:00.000Z

What nonsense.

http://offl.littlesmasher.com/SelectYourTeam.xls